Pancake Dreams

They said it would happen.  I didn't believe them.  Dreams of food so real that you could taste the deliciousness of the maple syrup and feel the utter disappointment that you failed.

I woke up this morning sad that I would have to restart the Whole 30 that I have been doing since I am two weeks in.  (It actually turned into a Whole 37 because I restarted at the end of the first week because I ate out a few times and can't be sure that the chefs followed my directions since the steak and broccoli tasted pretty buttery.) 

I ate a plate full of gluten-free pancakes (at least I was trying to stay near the food rules) loaded with butter and maple syrup.  Those were the best damn pancakes I have ever had!  Then I realized that they weren't Whole 30 compliant and I cried because I was so far into the 37 days.  I couldn't start over!  My last day perfectly coincides with a trip to San Diego.  No!  I can't restart!  And then an annoying buzz starting going off and I woke up.

Thanks god!  I still feel a little twinge of disappointment in myself for eating those pancakes.  I feel as though I really did--the dream was that vivid.  You know those dreams you just can't shake because they feel so real?  This was one of them.  Now that I think about it more, I wish it were ice cream or caramel that I ate.  Pancakes aren't really a favorite of  mine.

On a related note, I am sleeping amazingly well.  I fall asleep quickly (no more tossing and turning!  no more insomnia!) and stay asleep all night.  I haven't felt this rested in a really, really long time.  If nothing else, this Whole 30 experience has shown me the importance of getting enough sleep and seems to help me get more sleep.  Who knew the power of good, clean food?  This girl is a believer.   

I made a freakin' mess last night!

Eating well is hard.  Especially the cooking part.  No more drive-thru or delivery.  No more dumping packages into a pan.  Ugh.  I had to do some many dishes last night and I had to clean the stove.  What is my life coming to?

Here is proof that I am a mess in the kitchen (don't even ask about the counters!):

There was minced onion and little pieces of cauliflower everywhere!

But I stepped out of my comfort zone big time!  Not only did I eat and enjoy cabbage (one of my most detested foods), I tried curry and coconut aminos for the first time!!!  I may be snacking on brussel sprouts next!


I am doing a trial run with some recipes this week to prepare for the Whole 30 that I start on Monday.  I made rice out of cauliflower and a surprisingly tasty green curry chicken with mushrooms and cabbage. The cauilflowerrice will need to be tweaked but I like the idea (and I love, love, love cauliflower in any form).

My goal for the rest of this week is to plan out my meals for at least two weeks.  I also plan to spend Sunday shopping and prepping for the week.  I did this last week and it worked wonders for our household.  No more "What do you want for dinner?" "I don't know.  What do you want for dinner?" moments.  I hate those conversations like I hate Tuesday morning traffic during the first couple weeks of classes each semester.  Planning and prepping made the week painless and I wonder why I didn't do it again for this week.  Here's to one last week of 'What's for dinner?"!

Shhhhh...I have a secret!

So I have been thinking a lot lately about what goes into my body, trying to view food as fuel instead of comfort.  I have decided to eat as cleanly as possible.  And while I admit that I still have a few processed go-to foods (like my flat pretzels and my shakes) I have been trying to only eat things that were once roaming the land and sea or growing from a tree, a bush, or the ground.  If I can't pronounce it and know where it comes from, I don't know that I want it in my body.

These decisions about what goes in my body have led me to think about what goes on my body. Have you ever looked at the ingredient list for your favorite shampoos, lotions, soaps?  Most of what I saw were ingredients that I could not pronounce or tell you what they were.  Then I read about the harm caused by some of the chemicals commonly found in most of the products we slather on our bodies and in our hair each day.  Maybe the chemicals are fine.  I don't know.  I am not a scientist and I do not plan to research each ingredient in all of my products.  Instead, I will stop using them.  And stop using them I have done.

I am not, nor have I ever been, a high-maintenance girl. I can get up, shower, and be ready in under 30 minutes.  My hair and make-up routine takes less than 5 minutes.  But now, I am even lower maintenance.   Except for make-up when I decide to wear it, I do everything with 4 products:  my new "magic" hemp soap, conditioner, almond oil, and crystal deodorant.  On a special day, I might throw in my homemade almond oil and sugar body scrub.  So my secret could be any number of things.  Before this switch, I was using shampoo, conditioner, body soap, face soap, antibacterial soap, various scrubs and masks, leave-in conditioner, frizz-reducing serums, face lotion, body lotion, antiperspirant/deodorant, zit creams, etc......  Now I have 4 items.  I feel kind of bad:  I ended up throwing a bunch of stuff away.  But my shower is much less cluttered.   So, did you guess my secret?  Did you guess that I have become a hippie?  A neo-hippie?  Environmentally friendly?  Green?  Nope.  I don't think I have gone that far.  TMI Alert!!!  I have yet to resort to reusable, washable feminine products (but I will shout my love for the diva cup from the highest mountain--it has changed my life!), I will continue to shave my legs (unless it is winter when my legs do not see the light of day) and I still use toilet paper and all those modern conveniences.  So, I haven't gone too far from where I started (despite the Humboldt influence!).

Did you notice anything else?  Anything missing form my new product list?  Does the lack of shampoo disturb you?  Yep, that is right.  I no longer use shampoo.  It has been 2 months since I used shampoo.  Ewwwww, say you.  But let me explain.  While I no longer use shampoo, I still wash my hair.  I either scrub/massage it with water alone or use conditioner to wash.  My hair has never felt better!   It is isn't as dry as it used to be.  It isn't as oily as it used to be.   It is not oily or dry but just right.  It is my own Goldilocks story.  When I was using shampoo, I was stripping all the oils from my hair which left it dry and brittle.  At the same time, since I was stripping all the oils from my scalp, it decided to produce more to keep up with the loss.  So I had oily scalp and dry hair. Ugh.  It is now soft, still a little dry at the ends because it has been months since I have seen the wonderful, amazing Erin, but it feels amazing.  And I think it is much better for my curls!  I was turned on to the no-poo idea years ago but couldn't stick with it because I felt like it would be dirty.  Not anymore!  I clean, soft hair that I love.  I do need it to grow out, though.  It is way too short for my liking!!!  And I am not loading a bunch of useless chemicals on my hair.  Maybe Humboldt influenced more than I like to admit.  I just feel more natural.  Cue Carole King!

And what about that crystal deodorant?  I thought about going the homemade baking soda route but I am not that far gone.  I'll use the weird crystal stuff that I can buy at the grocery store!  I have always used the extra strength or prescription strength antiperspirant/deodorant because I was super paranoid.  But you know what?  The crystal works just as well.  I remember my dermatologist telling me (many years ago) to stop using antiperspirant/deodorant to help with another issue (maybe I'll share even more about this issue in a later post when I get the nerve and get to know y'all a bit better) and I laughed at her.  She didn't like that I was using the antiperspirant.  But there was no way I was going to give it up.  Ever.  And then I did.   If only I had given the crystal a chance then.  I would have found that it works.  I don't offend everyone when I walk by and I can survive without the prescription-strength, pore-clogging crap that invaded my skin for years. 

When we strive to get healthy or healthier, I think that we focus much of our attention on what goes into our bodies.  Maybe we need to think also about we put on our bodies.  Oh, God.  I can't believe I just said that.  Damn granola!

PS:  I'll leave the title even though this morphed from my shampoo secret into something else :)

A Year Ago...

I saw a picture of myself from my cousin's baby shower in May 2011.

I tend to avoid cameras, preferring to be behind the lens rather than in front, but my family is pretty shutter-happy.  I am horrified to admit there may even be pictures of me in the swimming pool from that weekend, but I will pretend they don't exist.  I'll just deal with the fact that my eyes are closed in this one and know that this is pretty representative of how unphotogenic I am.


I don't know why this photo struck me so much.  But it did.  I knew I needed to make a change.  I knew I was tired of being uncomfortable all the time.  I was heavier than ever and those numbers scared me.  So on June 1, 2011, I went on a "diet" and starting moving.


By December, I was down 40 pounds and finally liked a picture of myself (Nathaniel is pretty darn adorable, too!).    

And then there is the flower dress again!  I put my arms inside to show what I lost in a year.  When I wore it last year, it was a bit snug.  Now I could fit Nathaniel in with me if I tried (and for those of you who are curious, I did try.  I wanted to show what 50 pounds or so looks like but then figured he might not want pictures of himself in a dress with his mother floating around the net.  He might have issues with that when he gets older ;)).

I definitely have not completely met any goals I set for myself in January yet but I am on my way. I still want to lose another 70 or so pounds.  Ideally, I want to lose another 50 by December 2012.  20 by September is my smaller goal.  If I do that, I will be what my license says I am!  For June, I'd like to drop 7.  2 pounds is my first week of June goal.  Small steps, folks.  I didn't gain all this weight quickly; I won't lose it quickly.  I have to remember that.  The first 40 seemed to come off pretty quickly and easily, but I have fought for the last 10.  I have been at a standstill for the past couple months, gaining and losing the same 6 or 7 pounds.  I am going to change that this summer!!!

Now that I have completed my 5k a day in May challenge, I am starting a TurboFire/Chalean Extreme hybrid that will take me through the summer.  I'll also be spending each night in the pool.  If you are free weeknights from 8-9pm, come join me in Galt for watercise!

Summer, here I come!

22.5% Complete

Guess what?  Seven days of May have passed and I have completed 7 5ks!  I will be doing #8 tonight--think of me around 9pm!

I have to admit that I am pretty proud of myself.  Granted I have only completed 7 or 31 days, I am still pleased that I have stuck with it this long.  I think a friend or two was skeptical about my challenge to myself (not because I couldn't do it, but because life can sometimes get in the way and they didn't want me to let myself down by not meeting my goal of 31 5ks in 31 days), but everyone has been super supportive and I have even convinced one friend to take on a similar challenge.

I almost always dread getting on the treadmill.  But I always feel better after my walk/jog/run.  Knowing that I will feel good keeps me coming back.  Knowing it will help me reach other goals keeps me coming back, too.

I feel like I fell off the wagon for a while there.  School--grading, prepping, etc.--was my excuse.  I just wasn't moving as much.  Plus, I got a little cocky.  Once I reached my first 50 pound weight loss, I celebrated a bit too much and gained a few of those pounds back.  My next goal is not just 50 pounds, but 54 pounds!  I am hoping that this challenge will jump-start my loss again.

If you aren't doing anything tonight, join me for my nightly 5k!

Mandy's May Challenge: 5k a day!

Can I do it?  Will I do it?  I am sure as hell going to try!

Each day this month, I am planning to walk/jog/run (or some combination of the 3) a 5k.  I am stealing this idea from someone in a weight loss/fitness challenge I am in because it sounded like a good challenge to get me back on track.

You may have noticed that I have been absent for two months.  For now, I'll say that I made some big changes and found myself falling back into old habits and now I must re-focus (I'll bore you with this story later this week).  It is my hope that this 5k a day in May (yeah, I know, I am a dork who thinks it is cool that my challenge for myself rhymes) will be the thing that energizes and motivates me because I lost it for a while.

5K # 1:  48:00  (I included my warm up in this.  Tomorrow I will warm up first and then hit the treadmill running to get a more accurate number.)  I am not sure what a good number for me would be, though.  I kind of want to do it in 33 minutes.    

50+ is finally sticking!

Woofreakinhoo! After a month of gaining and losing the same 4 pounds, I have finally reached my first 50 pound goal (51 to be exact!!). 

A few people have asked what I am doing so I'll give you the long and short version.

The short version: I am eating less and moving more. Done.

The long version (cut and pasted from an email I sent to an old friend):

I have been doing a variety of things that seem to be working. Finally:)

I think one of the biggest helps is eating (or drinking) breakfast. I never ate breakfast always crashed around 10 and then just ate and ate and ate. So, I have been making smoothies each morning using chocolate Shakeology, almond milk, water, strawberries, and sometimes peanut butter. Shakeology is kind of expensive, but I have offset the cost by not making daily visits to Starbucks for caramel fraps:)  It is easy for me to spend +/- $4 a day on that rather than dropping $7 or 8 at Starbucks each morning.

I have also been working out regularly--at least 6 days a week. I am doing the Couch to 5k training, Turbo Fire, and Chalean Extreme. I have tried all other kinds of workouts at home but never stuck with any. The ones I am doing now are 90-day programs with workouts scheduled in a specific order. You can download the c25k app for free and follow that. Turbo Fire and Chalean Extreme are from the same company that makes Shakeology (and, again, are kinda expensive, but less expensive than the gym memberships I never used!)

For Christmas, I got a FitBit. It is kind of like a BodyBugg but less expensive (and a little less high-tech). It tracks my steps, calories burned, sleep, etc. It also syncs with MyFitnessPal (which I use to track my food and calories intake) so I can see how many calories are going in versus how many I am burning. I love my FitBit--it is super motivating because I want to beat my totals from the day before! This really helps because as we all know, weight loss is all about burning more than you are taking in but I think many people do not know how many calories they are burning or consuming. While the FitBit/MyFitnessPal combo just provdes estimates, it gives me a way better idea than before. If you only have a little to lose, I'd say you want a 500 calories deficit. Since I still have another 70 pounds to lose, I shoot for a 1,000-1,200 calorie deficit each day; I eat between 1500 and 1800 calories and burn around 3000 on average. Since I am working out, I get to eat more. MyFitnessPal is free--there is both online and phone app versions.The FitBit is $99 but all the online interaction is free. This is why I went with the FitBit and not the Body Bugg. The Body Bugg does a few more things but is more expensive and charges a monthly fee to use the online tools.

The support of others is a big help as well. I joined a weight loss challenge on FB and that really motivated me. I had joined Weight Watchers more times than I care to remember and only ever stuck with it for a couple weeks at a time. I need to be held accountable by others so having to report my weight to someone other than myself is huge, especially when the other person is a super fit and beautiful! I am thinking about putting together a challenge group of my own. If I do, I will let you know.

I used MyFitnessPal on its own and lost my first 20 or so pounds so I think incorporating any of these things will make a difference. 

So, as the short version says, it is all about eating less (but much better) and moving lots more.  Over the course of yesterday, I walked 12 miles.  And only 3.5 were my "workout."  I even got to indulge in a Girl Scout cookie or 3 :)  

Off to lose another 50!  Wish me luck!

I just don't see it

I hit 50 pounds lost a couple weeks ago.  Then I gained.  Then I lost again.  Who knows what will the scale will say on Monday.  Either way, if the trend is downward, I'll be happy...

But I have other things on my mind.  I don't see it.  When I look in the mirror, I still see what I saw last summer.  I still see the same face looking back at me.  Every once and a while I'll see a recent picture of myself and I look a bit different. I have had to buy new clothes, so I know that my body is changing, but I just don't see it. I think I just wanted to it to be a bigger transformation--you know, the unrealistic Biggest Loser-type transformation.

A family member commented that I didn't need to lose any more weight.  Crazy!  If she only knew just how much more I need to lose...I mean, I am about halfway to my goal and she thinks I should stop now?!?  The other 60 pounds (for a total of 110) I want to lose is 20-25 short of what my doctors think is a healthy weight.  When I get to my goal, I will decide then if it time to stop.  I can't even remember ever being that size (okay.  it was 1995 and the same year I met my husband.  it was also after losing a bunch of weight after being sick for a few months). To be honest, I don't know what my goal truly is because I have never been near it for very long.

I do wonder if I will ever truly see it, no matter what the number says.  A friend was telling me about Art Therapy done with girls with eating disorders.  The girls draw outlines of their body on a wall and then someone actually traces their outline.  What the girls draw is quite a bit different from reality which makes me sad.  I don't want to be that girl.  I don't want all the baggage that I am shedding to remain, invisible and just as heavy.

On My Way to Half the Girl: 2012 Goals

Happy New Year!  I am looking forward to so many changes this year. But before I talk about what I will do, I have to look back at what I have already done since summer:

• lost 42 pounds
• lost 20 combined inches from my chest, waist, and hips
• worked out regularly (have I said how much I love Turbo Fire?!?)
• dropped 3 sizes
• lowered by bad cholesterol
• started training for a 5k

I feel like I am boasting here, but (for the first time in a long time) I am proud of myself for accomplishing something. I feel a million times better about myself.  I know I shouldn't tie how I feel about myself to numbers whether they be on the clothes I buy or on the scale or tape measure, but I do.  I felt so defeated for so long; I felt like nothing would ever change and I would be stuck in a body I was unhappy with.  Ultimately, I want these numbers to decrease for more than just reasons related to appearance; I want to be healthy. I want to see my son grow up; I want to be an active participant in that and not watch from the sidelines as N run and plays.  I want to grow old with L and spend our retirement years enjoying life, not confined in a body that is unhealthy and inactive.  If I am healthier, I think I will be a better wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend, teacher....

As I look to 2012, I have identified my priorities and goals so that I can push forward.  I have learned that I must share my goals with others. Without making my goals public, without the support and motivation and feedback of my family and friends, I am less likely to stick with them.  If I know you know what I doing, I am more likely to keep pushing to reach my 2012 goals:

• lose 60 pounds
• work out at least 5 days a week
• increase my good cholesterol
• lower my body fat by at least 23%
• complete my first 5k in February 
• complete a 5k in under 40 minutes

What are you going to do this year?