I hit 50 pounds lost a couple weeks ago. Then I gained. Then I lost again. Who knows what will the scale will say on Monday. Either way, if the trend is downward, I'll be happy...
But I have other things on my mind. I don't see it. When I look in the mirror, I still see what I saw last summer. I still see the same face looking back at me. Every once and a while I'll see a recent picture of myself and I look a bit different. I have had to buy new clothes, so I know that my body is changing, but I just don't see it. I think I just wanted to it to be a bigger transformation--you know, the unrealistic Biggest Loser-type transformation.
A family member commented that I didn't need to lose any more weight. Crazy! If she only knew just how much more I need to lose...I mean, I am about halfway to my goal and she thinks I should stop now?!? The other 60 pounds (for a total of 110) I want to lose is 20-25 short of what my doctors think is a healthy weight. When I get to my goal, I will decide then if it time to stop. I can't even remember ever being that size (okay. it was 1995 and the same year I met my husband. it was also after losing a bunch of weight after being sick for a few months). To be honest, I don't know what my goal truly is because I have never been near it for very long.
I do wonder if I will ever truly see it, no matter what the number says. A friend was telling me about Art Therapy done with girls with eating disorders. The girls draw outlines of their body on a wall and then someone actually traces their outline. What the girls draw is quite a bit different from reality which makes me sad. I don't want to be that girl. I don't want all the baggage that I am shedding to remain, invisible and just as heavy.
